It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
