That's when you crack a 10am beer
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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