If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
