I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
