my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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