I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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