Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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