Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
