I'm so fucking centered right now
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
MIDGETS
????
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
