so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
