he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
