Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
