My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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