how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
