I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
