Only a mothe r could love this liver
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Randomize
