I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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