I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
