So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
