he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
