You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
