I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize