now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
