Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
