this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
