i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
