I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
