just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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