why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
