you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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