I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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