my phone needs a breathalizer
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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