I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
