oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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