I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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