remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
