Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize