I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize