There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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