I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
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