I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
