Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
