u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
