the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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