Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
