If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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