mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
