Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
