I just saw a hot homeless man
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
A bitchslap is in order.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize