We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
