Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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