He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
