Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I need water and some morals
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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