Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
