Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just had sex on a roof
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
