My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize