it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
