if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
